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Temptation

I think the hardest thing for me right now is having to resist reading when I'm not on break at work. Especially because I'm at a Christmas scene. And Logan and Lydia are 11. And fighting. A lot. And it's exciting. I also found a file in my Dropbox that goes back to 09 and I'm wondering how far back it is. If I could find Nicky/Amy/Jim/Alice at Hogwarts, I would be sooooo happy.

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So, the way that I find my place in a file when I go to read is that I'll ctrl+f a phrase that I know happened around where I left off.

We used the phrase “no-strings-attached” WAY too often. I wonder what that says...

Anyway, ONWARD! Taking a brief detour from where I left off last night (Amy just got caught with Lucas at Aiden's funeral, then Lucas came to propose a no-strings-attached sort of dealio and Evan ran away), I stumbled upon the scene where the kids witness an almost gangbang and—OH MY GOD LYDIA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DON'T THROW LOGS AT STRANGERS WITH WANDS AND KIDNAPPED WOMEN. SERIOUSLY.

She was a dumb shit. Like...so smart, she was dumb.

YEAH LOGAN! Beatin' up thugs with flashlights!

Logan totes should've been a cop....

H'OKAY. So. Fast-forwarding a bit more back to where I was before...I do believe a certain Grecian wedding is coming up...

Totes forgot about Ginny's unadulterated hatred toward Landon. Though, I suppose most of Maddie's kids felt that way....and GOD, explaining plots of Kevin, I realized just how many widows and widowers we had...

HAHAHA I FORGOT JOSIE WAS A TOTAL FASHION NUT. Oh Josie.

Aww, Sam the lawyer. I'd forgotten. XD

COME ON GUYS GET TO THE WEDDING. (Yes I realize “guys” is our past selves....I don't mind being meta on occasion)

snakesonabroom (9:13:47 PM):(Dammit.)
snakesonabroom (9:13:56 PM):(I'll have to find my own ginger then.)
*squeak* I did just that!


WEDDING BELLS! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Interim from real life: I went to the bathroom wearing socks after Kevin had taken a shower, and stepped in his drip water. I then said, “I hope that one day when i'm pregnant and my water breaks, that you're wearing socks and you step in it.” True love.

Had we ever done a rehearsal dinner? Because that would've been a fun opportunity for drama of some sort.

I'm going to have to remember the phrase “fountain of feelings” for when i'm writing a screenplay.

I SO TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT AMY GETS AN ABORTION WITHOUT TELLING LUCAS OH MY FUCKING GOD HOLY SHIT BALLS.

I was hoping I'd see Amy's color at Rhys/Ginny's wedding. DRAMA. CRINGE-WORTHY DRAMA YESSSSSS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN READ THIS I AM ALREADY CRINGING.

Lmfao, I was reacting equally as badly when I was writing it too. Just...Amy's done a lot of cringey things in her time, but this....was probably the hardest to write, because she was just so damn stupid. And in front of Evan, too. What a goddamn bitch.

I CAN'T REEEEADDDD THISSSSSSS.

Maddie, give me strength.

God...and Evan...I just...okay...this really...because....my dad's an alcoholic...and I've never been able to tell when he's drunk at the time, but looking back it's so...UGH AND THIS IS WHY I DON'T DRNK ANYMORE.

*cringecringecringe**dies**cringecringecringe*

How does Amy manage to blame her fuck-ups on Nicky? Like...how does that even make sense? I LOVE AWFUL CHARACTERS.

Awww, I forgot Karen was a foster parent to animals. What a great gal.

Well that whole thing ended rather anti-climactically.

I JUST REALIZED I GET TO SEE LOGAN MEET ANDREA. EEEEEEEEEEE! AND LYDIA MEET SAWYER! Although, of course, it's not love at first sight for them...

SNORT Before Derek became Cancer McGee, he was “Stallion.” Ohhhhh, us.

You know, I can't believe in all the years and all the generations, that we never had a person of color. WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE WHITIES.

Ohhh Logan. You've loved Andrea since you heard the first insult come out of her mouth. Which was, admittedly, the first thing you heard her say.

Oh my god, I just realized Logan and Andy totally have a Barney/Robin thing going. HAH.

l..m...f...a...o... Logan and Lydia yelling at each other in Russian and French is probably the funniest thing I've read in a while.

It's like Team Logan vs Team Lydia with Andrea and Sawyer, hahahahahahaaaaaa

lmfao, nice apology Logan. “Sorry I was an ass, but you're just so fucking annoying.”

Yes, because we all know that Russian silence sounds like, “BRAAAAAAAAAARM”

Holy shit, I'm on page two of these live-journalings...

Thaaat's right, Gray and Josie are world travelers.

SHIT I HAVE TO GO COOK SOON UGH.

So I'm like basically live-tweeting this re-read of the roleplay here on the livejournal (I guess you could say I'm live....journaling? Ehh? Ehhhhh?)

I'll try to make a succinct title that gives at least somewhat of an indication as to what generation I'm in. And I'll try to stick to a chronological order. I kind of just jumped in randomly. And I'm not sure how far back my files on Dropbox go. But this is really fun, so I'm going to keep doing it. And given that the only other person in real life who ever knew anything really about the roleplay hasn't spoken to me in a year, this is the only medium to go to where my babbling isn't completely insane.

So buckle up!

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All I have to do is search the word "cunt", and I've got a scene where Amy is the worst person ever.

Love it.




WHERE ALL MY WHOREISH AWFUL CHARACTERS AT. I LOVE YOU ALL.



Edit: And yet, searching the word "cunt" also brings me to the hospital hostage situation WHICH I FORGOT EVEN HAPPENED WHAT IS THIS OH MY FUCKING GOD AMY SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Edit2: I also forgot how much Ginny and Amy hated each other. Oh, this is lovely...

Edit3: Omg hahahhaha Ginny: "Some guy held uncle Aiden, Amy, and me hostage.
It was a great time. Shoulda been there. I'll call you next time."


Edit4: It makes me cringe when I realize I had read something wrong and completely screwed up something. But shh, thoughts. It's time to be sad for Aiden's funeral.

Edit5: Roman's goddamn hilariously Russian accent again...even at a funeral.

Edit6: I really don't want to think about how Maddie managed to smuggle her wand into prison...*wince*

Edit7: I also forgot she sought asylum in Belgium. *snort* Belgian waffles er'ry day on the lamb with Landon!

Edit8: DOESN'T AMY BANG LUCAS AT THE FUNERAL OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY IS THAT ABOUT TO HAPPEN FOR REAL OH MY GOD I FORGOT AND JUST REMEMBERED AND OH MY GOD.

Edit9: Amy and Lucas are fighting...to any normal, well-adjusted people, this would mean a distinct lack of potential for intimacy. But this is Amy and Lucas.

Edit10: This fight is pretty intense....but I thought I remembered something about flying underwear and another use of the word "cunt." I'm going to see where this goes.

Edit11: WE HAVE PHYSICAL CONTACT! Granted...it was a shove. But still....

Edit12: Now we're encouraging them from the parentheses. That's never good for characters' self-control.

Edit13: As a feminist, I am appalled at what is going on. But also intrigued. Lucas and Amy are so fucking dysfunctional.

Edit14: Lucas has retreated to the privacy of the men's restroom of the sanctuary...

Edit15: Oh Amy, don't go in there...

Edit16: WE HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT!

Edit17: God, these two are terrible. Just awful.

Edit18: See kids, this is what happens when you go a year without sex...

Edit19: Just had a real life thought about how my own parents are going through a divorce right now....I really hope no sudden funerals happen...*shudders*

Edit20: Dude, I've been sitting here the whole time trying to remember why Maddie was in Azkaban, and I've just now remembered that she went all Dexter. Nice.

Edit21: Leave it to Lucas to pre-game a funeral with sex with some floozy. But of course he's got no trouble getting it up for our resident OB/GYN psychopath.

Edit22: You know, reading our sex scenes after I've now been having consistent sex for a few years....I'll allow it. We were romanticized sometimes, but in terms of hate-sex-in-a-bathroom-during-a-funeral, I don't think we're too far off. Not that I would know. But I can imagine. I mean, let's be honest...all of our guys must've had calves of steel to be able to have standing-up sex as an almost default position.

Edit23: And now there's the awkward dismount...and the GETTHEHELLOUTOFTHEREAMYFORCHRIST'SSAKE.

Edit24: Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit Protip: NEVER LEAVE YOUR PANTIES BEHIND AFTER TRASHY FUNERAL SEX YOU BIMBO.

Edit25: That actually made me tear up a little.

Edit26: "because when she fucked herself over, she did it so completely and so thoroughly that there was never a chance to redeem herself" a memoir, by Amy Sanders

Edit27: Goddamn, she was a sociopath...

Unfortunately, I have to now go make dinner. But there will be more. Ohhhhh yessssss....
Reading the scene where Logan breaks up with Andrea when his dad goes into the hospital for the last time, WHILE at work....was a really bad idea.
So, I have a problem.

And it hasn't really been a problem, except that it's been at the back of my head for all these years.

But now it's coming to a head.

Because I haven't written creatively in about 3 years. In September, I tried again. I got it into my head that I was going to try my hand at screenwriting (I was watching Breaking Bad and was, like, crazy obsessed with the writing). I did all this research and got really excited about it, cleaned out the 2nd bedroom and made it an office, just basically got myself all hyped up that I was going to write again.

Except...

That I couldn't. I can't. And that was six months ago. Six months, I've been trying to force something that JUST won't happen.

And I realized yesterday, when I started up a motivation journal that Kevin's friend had inspired me to do, something big. The reason I can't get out of my head and get words on a page.

Because I'm avoiding addressing the fact that the roleplay was the biggest creative effort I've ever made, it was some of my best writing and storytelling. And it's so hard for me to write anything else, because we BUILT that world, and it was established, and nothing seems to be as good. Not to mention the fact that I'm trying to write ALONE, which I've never been good at.

I wrote in my journal, "There's this big empty void where the roleplay used to be. I can't even read it without being overwhelmed with needless guilt and shame that I've been indoctrinating myself with for years." (because of the time spent on it) "And every time I think about it, it's like the creative center of my brain just shuts down. All of this creativity and imagination is being sucked into a black hole left by this wonderful thing that I treated like a bad addiction."

I really did think that I spent way too much time on it. And I did, of course I did. But that wasn't a waste of time. It wasn't a bad thing. It was what I enjoyed, it made me a writer, it gave me a creative outlet, and that means it wasn't a bad thing. I've spent 3 years feeling guilty for the 8-12-18 hour binges, and I'm officially done feeling that way. I talked to Kevin about it, and while he never knew me when I was roleplaying, he knows how badly I felt for all the time I spent and he believes it wasn't a waste either. He's the one who's been really pushing me to get back into writing, because it's the only passion I have. Yeah, I'm really good at my job, yeah I've been getting awesome raises and doing really well, but Consumer Service isn't my passion. Zumba wasn't my passion, even though I spent so many hours a week doing that and having so much fun. Writing is my passion. That's just the truth of it. And I need to do what I need to do to get it back.

So I wanted to start writing this entry before I started re-reading the roleplay, but I got locked out of my livejournal. To kill the time, I started reading a scene I've got on my dropbox with Evan and Phoebe. Before, every time I would try to do that, I'd get this terrible embarrassed feeling in my gut and I would click out before I could even get past the parentheses.

But this time, I was able to read it. And it made me smile. And tear up a little, because damn those kids were tragic. But the most important thing is that I'm addressing this. This stupid black hole of creativity that we left when we stopped. I don't know if it's even going to help. But it's the only choice I've got.

And Josh, if you read this, I'm not resentful. I miss talking to you, of course, because we were good friends. But we're living our lives now, and that's great. But this is something I have to address for my one and only talent that I can ever feel like bragging about (though I never do because what am I going to show anyone? a huge HTML file from 2011?)

So thanks. For being a part of something that I really really enjoyed for years. And which helped me become a better writer, even though it's the very thing that's kept me from writing for 3 years.

P.s. HAHAHAHAAHHAA, ROMAN'S ACCENT OH MY GOD I AM CRYING I AM LAUGHING SO HARD.

P.s.s. This was a really good idea. We were geniuses. Of comedy and dramatics.
Wowee, this journal turns 10 years old in December. That....is really hard to believe. And also terrifying. Because that's 10 years of my life, minus the part where I didn't update much because life and also online journals are completely lame as a 25 year old.

So, since I probably won't remember on December 13 to make a nostalgic update post....what's new?

Uhh...I'm married now. Almost four months. Our 2-year anniversary is coming up in December. This'll be our 2nd Christmas together and the first we share as a married couple and it's going to be insanely great because I've been saving for his present for like 2 and a half months now and holy shit like really I am going to WIN Christmas this year.

I lost 20 pounds. So that's cool, I guess. I dance now. I look like a complete ass, but whatevs.

My best friend Emily is pregnant. And in Utah. And will be moving back right around the time the baby is due. I can foresee some shenanigans there that will probably involve me topping out my (new) car's accelerator heading westward.

I'm not pregnant. 3 years, we're giving ourselves, to travel. Although, it's more like 2.5 years now because we'll be 28 halfway through 2016, and that's the age we agreed on.

I want to take him to see the Smoky Mountains. When I went to visit Anne a couple years ago, that was probably one of the best things about the trip (Except for getting to see Anne, of course!). Plus, I was listening to His Dark Materials while I was driving through the mountains and it was rainy and misty and just...like, really cool. And I want to bring Kevin to that experience. Also, my co-worker said something about Scandinavian pirate villages on the east coast in one of the Carolinas...so that'd be fun.

I have that stupid "what does the fox say" song stuck in my head for some reason.

Ahhhhh....so that's about it. I signed in on AIM today for a lark, and everything is completely different. I played the old IM sound though, and that brought back some feels. Mostly that I was falling asleep and being spammed to wake up. Kind of like when you hear your alarm during the day and for a split second, you're caught wondering if this whole morning had actually been a dream, and you're only just now waking up? Only not as dramatic. Because that shit is scary when it happens. It's why I can't listen to Gangnam Style anymore, because that's Kevin's stupid alarm every morning.

...heeeeeeeey sexy laaaadyyyy....

(x)

Soooo...

Big news.

I'm starting research on screenwriting.

I've got a partner to start my first project with.

I haven't been this excited about something that involves writing in a LONG time.
Hi, Livejournal.

I miss you.

<3

Well hello there....

Wow, I...just remembered that I had one of these. I was looking up an old webcomic I used to read, and remembered that I followed it here on livejournal.

So life has changed....a lot. A lot a lot. I'm sick right now, and I just took some PM cold meds, so this might get rambly, but oh well.

Well, in the past year, I've done a lot of stuff...I moved out of my parents' house, I worked at Target for like 2 months, and then, blissfully, after 6 months of unemployment/working at a crap part-time job, I got hired at DPI again. I'm still there now, and things are good. A little frustrating, and I think the company might go under, but, I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.

Uhhh...right now, I am reading Game of Thrones, and watching the TV show as I read. That's fun times. I haven't taken to a book like this since The Hunger Games, although being sick, I haven't been able to just concentrate on the book cause my head is all fuzzy.

I have a boyfriend now. We've been dating since December 2011. It's going well.


All of my friends are slowly migrating back to St. Louis. Anne, Sarah, Melissa, they'll all be here this summer. I would say we could have an epic birthday bash, but I will be at Emily and Scott's wedding on my 24th birthday, so that'll have to wait.

Yep, I've been living with yet another engaged couple. I need to write my maid of honor speech, I don't have a lot of time left for that. I got my bridesmaid dress and, thank god, it fits.

I am madly in love with Parks and Recreation. Best TV show ever. (HIMYM too, but I know that's on its way out because they're going to do something big this Monday...I can FEEL it) Grey's Anatomy is still really good too.

I haven't written in ages. That's a little sad. I'm just too distracted by life, work, roommates, friends, netflix/hulu, games....my life is pretty good right now. I have mostly everything I wanted. I think in a couple of months, once Emily and Scott leave, I'll be getting things figured out.

Who knows.

Okay, I'm starting to get woozy from the meds, I think I'm going to curl up with some TV and pass out. Mother's Day lunch tomorrow.

....I think I'm going to start writing here again, maybe. I miss it...(and tumblr sucks ass....I don't care how much Kevin likes it, it annoys the balls out of me.)

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